when I was a girl, I wanted to be a boy
because boys could be free, no worries of being perceived
as weak, as a sex object, as stupid or silly
but girls
were not even supposed to want to be free
assaulted by gendered expectations of tight skirts, high heels, loaded makeup, mindless giggling to fit in
while living in bodies abused from dieting and internalized self-hatred
these are the marks
the requirements of girlhood, enforced brutally by gender –
and I saw all this coming as I turned ten and so
as I began my journey into mental illness, I scratched “I want to be a boy” on the bathroom wall
knowing it would never be true, knowing
I would still be nothing but a girl, so eventually I gave in and performed femininity in an oscar-winning performance
worthy
of a lifetime achievement award so convincing was I –
and now, years later, I look back and see how those years are a part of me, but that I was never
actually me –
it took me years
to find my own inner strength as a woman, to feel that my female curves really can co-exist with strength –
but now, as I look around, fully grown with a confidence and power I constructed almost entirely on my own,
I see how girlhood is now more pornified, GENDERED, and objectified than ever, how teen girls
are told twerking for men is empowerment
are told to be open to anal sex while their clitoris, that unique and amazing female organ, is erased and they are referred to as “non-prostate owners”
are told by playboy product placement and pornhub store openings that they are really just objects to be played with, that their female bodies are worthy of nothing but male contempt and abuse –
so perhaps now
with all these hormones and breast binders and online trans groups encouraging girls to transition
my wish to be a boy may have come true
Such a touching post, I can remember wanting to be a boy growing up 😦
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Hello Anthrofeminist I do really look forward to digesting and thinking about your blogs . Thought I would start by saying hello on this one . I am only newly ‘out’ if you like as a non binary ( middle aged ) person but like you at around 10 I wanted to be a boy but knew I wasn’t . I slipped into isolation and depression very young .
Skip forward my life and
I am married to a very evolved man and have a teenage daughter. Both have been fantastic with this . I’m just wondering what you may think of me and my identification . This has been a big thing for me it’s taken me 5 years or more really to get happy with this self descriptive identification term ( that suits me best ) I think what I’m getting at is are there any exceptions to the rule in your eyes re gender ? That I would like to know . I’m honestly looking to just understand your thoughts on this. Best Regards Jac
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Hello, thank you for the interest in discussion. Look, I get the whole nonbinary thing and why it works well for some people…but what that means is that the binary is left place (otherwise you couldn’t have non). To me, the binary is oppressive to men and women, particularly women. My Dad is a good example of a male impacted by gender, he wholesale rejected patriarchy because he suffered bullying because he wasn’t athletic (got that from my mom). So, my issue with nonbinary is that although it works as an individual itentity, where does it leave everyone else? I just got done lifting heavy free weights in my basement, I do most of the yardwork and I am more mechanically (not electronically) handy than my boyfriend. I don’t identify with femininity at all, so technically I am nonbinary…but I don’t feel the need to reject that I am a woman, to reject my female biology. I don’t feel like I should have to identify with nonbinary to feel strong. In fact, I think female biology that can make a baby is pretty awesome, even though I will never have kids (not a baby person), and I can recognize that without attaching weakness and oppression. I do not believe that keeping “female” with biology is oppressice because the actual issue with female biology in Western culture is not that you recognize its existance, but that it is identified with weakness and interiority.. It took me some years, but once I stopped associating weakness and the feminine GENDER with women and female biology, there was no problem identifying with female. Which is why I am against queer theory and trans ideology. By attaching “woman” to gender and not biology, you HAVE to identify out of it if you want to feel strong and independent because, well, we can see what the feminine gender means by watching prominent transwomen such ad Cox, Mock, and Jenner. So I can see why many women who follow queer theory identify as nonbinary, although frankly we can still tell most nonbinaries are female (or male) it is doesn’t actually do anything to change biology or rid the world of oppressive systems of gender. Which is my whole beef with queer theory. It is brutally individualistic. I don’t know how we can solve female, sex-based oppression if women just opt out of being female. Again, where does that leave other women?
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And this is ALL queer theory, not feminist theory. There are somr feminists who are queer theorists, but I am not one of them. I got my women’s studies and anthro degree back when the queer and women’s studies departments were still separate.
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The binary Its totally oppressive to men and women so true . I ideally would choose to just be human if I had my way but for now I look like a butch lesbian married to a guy ( probably in some peoples eyes ) which is fine and all but the thing is the society is the thing that needs fixing and how we are taught to be and how we judge . So with not conforming ( I actually prefer to call my self non confirming ) well I hope to just highlight the plight of those who have a problem with the ‘rules’ of gender etc . Thank you for getting back to me so quick . As I say I look forward to properly reading more of your blogs . Jac
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I can appreciate your last statement, amd thanks for the discussion. I have had people disagree with me and call me a Nazi, or tell me I know nothing about feminism.
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FYI, in terms of looks, I will always be tagged as “binary” because I have very female/ feminine stereotypes. I have a small face, large eyes, look ten years younger and very curvy. People didn’t used to think I played sports! So even if I went out and declared I am nonbinary, it wouldn’t work, even though I fit the descriptions. So there is no point in trying to identify as anything other than female because my triple D’s and figure give me away. So I said, I am curvy and look female but I am strong and independent and literally just had to remind my boyfriend of righty-tighty/ leftie-loosey for the vacuum cleaner. Got that burned into me in woodshop in high school…:)
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